There is a fine line between being an outsider and a leader; a revolutionary and a lone wolf.
Five years ago I had a mystic tell me that my goal in life was to tear down walls and build bridges. Over the course of time I have noted how spot on she was; this attribute reigns true almost to a fault, an idiosyncrasy if you will.
Forging these grounds comes with a price.
There is a stark loneliness that can rear it’s head when one chooses to hold his/her thumb in many pies, so to speak.
A non comital abundance of respect reverence and close acquaintances.
The forlorn alienation is one that could only be understood by another visionary; if not received by a like minded soul; pretension and even arrogance could be assumed.
“What are you talking about? Alone? You have people around you all the time!”
There laying at the surface of the quintessential Aquarian mind; a deep love and philanthropy for people as a whole, but dislodging ones self from the vulnerable standpoint of intimacy. Coming off as; sometimes the complete opposite of what they are, or what they meant to portray. Flippant, cold; apathetic.
“That was the thing about being alone, in theory or in principle. Whatever happened-good, bad, or anywhere in between-it was always, if nothing else, all your own.”
– Sarah Dessen, Lock and Key
To be clear, I frequently am lonely – and this is by no persons individual fault. I am alone much less; I revel deeply in the understanding that experiencing them can bring me- but also know that the relation they hold to each other is not nearly as similar as we are led to believe.
Loneliness is a fascinating human condition; it’s one of those convoluted emotions that submerges us deeper than logic and syllogism; sometimes far past consolation. Loneliness of course knowing fair well that comfort would be detrimental to the deliverance of it’s purpose; although again often that significance is lost on us until much after we are torn apart. Demolition making way for clarity.
Aloneness, it never calls first, it just shows up on your doorstep expecting to be catered to; and sometimes after weeks of planning aloneness decides it has other plans – honestly it’s integral but rather rude.
to let anyone
stoke the fire
in your chest
you will burn
Loneliness is a state far separated from aloneness; one which can occur in the middle of nowhere or even in a room filled with people. It’s an undeniable flashing neon sign to an answer (or a question) you are failing to comprehend; it’s a lesson in humanity in the absence of community, in yourself and your desires; but all and all it’s a god damn bitch.
Although subjective; loneliness is an affliction, whilst aloneness is a gift – that being said it is one that should come with the warning of addiction.
My plight is my choice and any lamentation of said ordeals are purely for therapeutic intention. I know myself and I know without progression, stimulation and humanitarianism I would wither away in to limbo. Though at times it’s hard to not get lost in the “Why’s”, the self pity and the confounding feeling of segregation; the desires for things I cannot even name. It whispers in a hiss, like molasses in my ear
“You’re not good enough”
There is the foreboding wondering if there is any point to the trials i withstand or if they are only put there by myself to say that I have withstood them. To adhere to my spiritual masochism.
All the while I know deep down in my roots; thats silly.
These voices of doubt; sprout like fungus against the growing thicket of my ambitions. They too have a purpose. They toughen the skin and remind ones self of humility. They remind me of my own humanity, and my places both high and below; and eventually they remind me that I don’t have to be alone at all, and shouldn’t have to be.