Musings on the continued pilgrimage of Responsible Freedom in Love


Through out my exploration through life I have personally been practicing various forums of ethical (ish) pre-scripted forms of non monogamy since 2008 – I have struggled with self doubt, self hatred, a lack of support, violent rebellion, self inflicted exile and deep grief in the loss of a sense of self that followed.
My attempts at being Polyamorous were founded on the same broken concept at my attempts at being Monogamous – ill-fitted scripted narratives and a lack of community.
So just as I was a failed monogamist, I became a failed polyamorist.

I had to loose everything and become what I felt was completely broken in 2011 to understand that I needed to restructure and rebuild something unparalleled and unprecedented – custom to my timeline, my desires and the community of which I so deeply felt called to nourish. I needed to be broken to see the reality of what endurance could lead to – a loyalty to love, a reestablished idea of devotion, and a strength in my story – and what would later become an intertwined shared story.

My deepest desire in the willingness to share my life and this so called “alternative” form of relation is to encourage the expression and excavation of personal and cultural truth. To lead by example not the front lines of Non-Monogamy – but a world postpoly/postmono where Humans are emboldened to practice Love in the model of which that is truest for them in their “now”.
I desire a time where whether we love or share a partnership with one, two, many or none that we’re encouraged to be in relationships that are in service to something outside of just the relationship it’s self – abolishing the deep underbelly of escapism via interpersonal connection.
I crave collective where your worth as an individual is not put in to question on account of being different – but in fact a culture where diversity fuels it’s flourishing advance.
I long for a world where sensual/creative/emotional/intellectual/passionate connection isn’t shamed or subject to a warped sense of guilt laden secrecy; where it’s encouraged to flow naturally as it unfolds, as opposed to attempting to shove it into a narrative that outdates it’s unique rise, expansion and evolution.

My Core partnership is not under any sort of strain or onslaught by these choices to live a life which asks our upmost allegiance to honesty. Neither him or I has a limited or finite source of adoration, so in all logic any perceived “threat” is only rooted in the echo of a time where a binary form of relation was the only one taught – an old story of love to which no longer fits the times we are in. This does not mean there is no jealousy or fall backs into the stories that we grew up in. Our relationship has not always been been an easy adventure, and it will not suddenly become as such – nor would I want it to.
Partnership, Love and Relationships take skillfulness, and skillfulness generally requires trial and error.
Regardless of and in correlation to that I have never lived a more fulfilling and awe inducing Partnership, our ability to challenge each other, encourage growth, and continue on in the form that best serves us and our community leaves me in a constant grateful state of deep love for all that is him and I.
Beyond “Good” and “Bad” – Every dark and light moment has been crucial to our process of becoming.

“I said to the sun, ‘Tell me about the big bang.’ The sun said, ‘it hurts to become.”

I want so vehemently to live a life of authentic love, fierce devotion and continued progression that dares others to live their truth, to fully examine their and their kin’s desires, boundaries and the full spectrum of their psyche – to demonstrate a courageous form of love and community that includes all walks of life: the unabashed and multifarious gamut of humanness.
Perhaps we are radical dreamers, but if I have learned anything thus far I have learned that we sure as hell are not alone on this untrodden journey into fearless brazen amorousness.

I dare you to be truthful, authentic and responsible in your Love – with each and every individual that you hold with sweet regard – I dare you to fully exist in service to the morphogenic field of adoration of which surrounds you.

I dare you to pontificate on what it would look like to have your life’s actions be collectively in service to love.

– AppleCat


Galaxy Skin



“Travel far enough, you meet yourself.”
― David Mitchell, Cloud Atlas

It’s violet dusk
Fogged mirrors,
smudged from so many fingers
Sometimes I wonder,
is the elucidation that leads to lull
to stop loving
so profoundly?
An allegiance to sovereignty
offering over an estranged immunity
My eyes have seen pneuma’s secret
ships of bated breath
sailing in to the horizon

forever and a day ago
in the wild blue yonder
those same eyes
– like vines, reaching towards
idealistic skies
If you could see, those eyes now
their skeletal remembrance
radical dreams, cosmic pools of rumination
a whirlwind portal in to
a tapestry
– Bullets wrapped exquisitely with silken bows

Sensation has become habit
I have feathers scattered across my insides
some call it wanderlust
a vestige of wings
torn to shreds
a longing for flight
and taking that hunger to heart
I start again
-and again and again

I’ll sail out each night
and examine the relation between them-
-the sea, the moon and the shore – capricious paramours
listening intently to the ocean’s song
the moonlights hum.
and the shore’s sigh
the tide caressing her body, and she taking him back
over and over
the moon exulting her influence
I observe in awe
with both pity and envy; I venture on

To live with the stars
as dust
to search for the mysterious maybes,
and the probabilities of perhaps
to hold on
to surrender to letting go
to everything I couldn’t epitomize
I simply pursue the words
a tender wind that dances upon
the lovers tussle
their blues gone grey at the dawns first light

all the while
while I slip
nimbly in to my galaxy skin

art credit:

Exercises in Compersion and Non Primary recognition.


Recently I have been contemplating exercises of abolishing the segregation that comes with what some would label “couple privilege”; as well of empowered ways to cultivate Compersion – on ones own terms.

To start, What is Compersion? In layman’s terms:

“The feeling of joy associated with when a loved one connects/loves/shares pleasure/is playful with another”

Caveat –
First and foremost for those who struggle with cultivating Compersion. You are the majority, and it is totally normal to feel both Jealousy and Compersion all at once; they are not mutually exclusive and may never be.
For instance, it is quite possible that I personally may always feel jealousy (and man oh man on occasion do I ever) within my core partnership and any of my relationships (even the platonic ones!) – but to sit down and give voice to the jealousy that stews inside, releasing it to other perspective/s, acknowledging it, dissecting it to it’s root, learning from it and then moving on is one of the most important routes to Compersion that there is.

So I am working on activities/exercises on how to personally gather compersion. Some of them are simple and solitary, and some of them involve another’s presence.

Example of one I found helpful:

In the presence of my Core Partner I sat beside him, asked for a piece of paper; then side by side and unbeknownst to him I began to handwrite a sentence or three on each connection he has made during our time together.
These sentences described why I was grateful he had met and connected with each of them individually – I will admit that with writing one or two of them it was not easy -as with any alternative relationship structure- there is generally a certain amount of unskillfulness; which yes caused wounding on both parts. That being said I was able to find something to be grateful for even with those of whom had left a bad taste in my mouth; and those who didn’t? I gained a further appreciation for.

Once done, I turned to my partner and gifted him the writings. A tangible gift that could be revisited; one laden and crafted with love and acceptance, one that I had hoped would release some of the culturally instilled guilt and shame on his part; and also ended up helping me gain a deeper understanding of universal love, a courage for expressing my personal boundaries and a diminishing of the former perception of what I may have once (and may once again) see as a “Threat”.

I believe this brought not just us closer together but the community of which we are in attempts to nourish.

Second Caveat: Just a note to remember for those that desire their partner/s to have more Compersion, the matching component to compersion is compassion.

Person #1: I feel joy that you connected with person #3, I love you
Person #2: I am grateful for your expression and know it’s sometimes not easy for you when I connect with others, I love you.
(meanwhile person #3 is stoked not to be the target of any conflict or guilt)


AND also here is another short example of a practice surrounding personal recognition and appreciation of Non Primary Connections.

Shortly after the Love School in Oakland I chose on my own accord to write a Haiku to each of my non primary lovers that I had made connections with within the duration of my Core Partnership – These – for the sake of the intention of the practice- were not addressed to “One night Stands” or strictly carnal endeavours (so with respect personally this made my list a fair amount shorter than it would have been if I would have included the “others”) – these were address to those of whom I have constructed a tender friendship with and continue to savour said friendship (regardless if it continues to be physical or not).

Haikus are interesting ways of elucidation; I find given my tendency to write and write and write that they provided me a simple short to the point structure of which to focus a – if even in that moment of time – way of expression and that in its self is rather cathartic and beautiful. Minimalisticness at it’s best.

Once I posted these to my blog I was able to read and reflect on how special these people are and how grateful I am for their unique presence in my life. I have not even showed these to them or anyone else, save the few people that follow my blog. The reason for this is because it’s not about ME getting recognition via my writings – it’s about me personally acknowledging them.

This provided a greater appreciation not just for the people of whom I wrote about, but for each the sublime individual that we all are. Each a exceptional anomalous gift to the world and to each other – in whatever the context.

SO theres my share for the day, a wee bit of perspective in to my mind and hearts work. Perhaps you have a practice to share as well?

Love without Fear

Whatever your lifestyle, whatever your gender or race, whomever you pray to, however you choose to express yourself: we are all in this together. And we are all being damaged by the same outdated narrative in love.

By publicly acknowledging our generations of woundedness we are not admitting defeat or weakness, we are not pointing fingers or laying blame – in fact it’s quite the opposite.
By choosing to speak we are breaking the spell of continued social projection. We are creating a space to house an understanding that each of us is not alone, that this empathic field of consciousness beyond blue screens is not in our heads. By being authentic and vulnerable we are strengthening the awareness of deep relating.

While we’ve been on the front-lines of shattering our own existence; we know it is wrong, but we carry on in fear that no other story awaits us. We fear the destitute poverty we cling to -the bones we chew ragged- are all that there is.
We have near forgotten how to act together – how to take a leap into the glorious unknown.

This is in our Psyche, bound as she is with her beloved Eros – it is suppressed but NOT lost.
We wrote the stories and myths to serve as breadcrumbs, a way to remind ourselves how to recall the road to home.
There is a blind leap to somewhere new, but strangely familiar. Somewhere past the darkness.

Fortunately -along with the flesh and sinew- love is all that we are, and it can be our greatest gift; if wielded skillfully and without fear.
Loving: a skill that should be taught.
We are living in a time where apprenticing ourselves to the scholarship of love is a vital step to support a sustainable future of humanity.

Through this, as a collective I believe we can heal our world.

Easier said than done? Of course it is.
What that has ever been worth a damn hasn’t been fated to struggle?
When was the last time you achieved any sort of epiphany with ease; an “Aha!” moment that formed you on a fundamental basis that didn’t bring you to your ragged knees?

We are not inherently cowards as Human beings, that tiresome shit is learned behavior via a polluted culture and a broken environment. At our core we are Warriors of Love. Fearless if we learn to be as such.

It’s time, lets go.

Sexuality 101


“So like, What’s your sexuality? What ARE you?”

Every label whether it is sexually orientated or otherwise comes with it’s own set of confusion, doubt, and burden.
In the sexual realm the perceived finality of a label comes heavy and early; bludgeoned with it from day one, it is incredibly scarring to the self. Sexuality, like our personalities is ever fluctuating. It isn’t as easy as saying, this is my race, this is where I was born, I am a human being.

“I am a tree I will always be a tree”

These aren’t labels. Labels are disposable, they peel over time; and furthermore really aren’t very necessary at all.
When we were children; our favourite show may have been Transformers or perhaps Ducktales but as we age our exposure and tastes change. You wouldn’t expect someone to have the same food, pop culture or moral preferences as they did when they were six; so why expect sexuality to be solidified by puberty or even before hand.

For most it isn’t as simple as admitting yes I am straight, yes I am gay, yes I am bisexual” but in the mainstream western culture we are given no further options. From birth our gender is questioned almost immediately upon meeting others

“Awe so….. Beautiful? Handsome???” (quick tell me the gender of your baby so my binary mind can comprehend what kind of adorable it is)

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