Three years today

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Through raw omission & unpolished memory they walk on, years on
sentimental etymology— it sighs
never forget me,
never
Hearts kissed with blue bruises
each a keepsake ostending
“you’ve done well, now go on”

years on
beyond the binds of “good” and “bad” – clear of their fostered paradigm
lays a village sown
Hearts bruised purple from souls diligence
two elements taming a story
walk on, years on

lips surface to a gasp
and exclaim
“we are fire and water, and we will not be broken”

what fire turned
this tidal flow to stone what sent them a voice to roam
without the ribs
that serve to block eminence
drowning on the throne

Years on,
Paradoxal counterparts
Crafting a call
Purple and blue nebula mutiply
strewn across an interwoven vascular chamber
each one
a reminder – for years on

“Walk on, go on – you’ve done well”

untitled # :v

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unified by strife
contentious bloodshed,
bound hands, quell loves flow

war, you’ve taken me
countless centuries, lashing out
please hold me, once more

forgot to love, starving
starving, forgot how to chew
this home on tongues tip

pulling down heaven
hallowed ground, beneith our feet
see here, not elsewhere

seek to stop running
desire the present unveiled
together, we’re home

– AppleCat

art credit: http://fav.me/d7w37sw

The Ambiguous Nature of Integration: Why I need Feminism

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“Though her soul requires seeing, the culture around her requires sightlessness. Though her soul wishes to speak its truth, she is pressured to be silent.”
― Women Who Run With the Wolves

I recently made a post referring to myself as a Feminist. Said post proceeded to stir a bit of conflict in regards to an assumption of what “feminist” meant and my personal identification of the word. I was compelled to go deeper in to the ambiguous nature of integration.

I need to be honest here, this was the first time I have consciously called myself a feminist through public media, and in doing this I felt a great hesitation.
This statement along with the post was an underlining expression of choice to “out” myself. I had made it because I felt safe in my circle and assumed that they would understand my own connotations and not jump to derail the matter at hand because of their own projections and wounding.
I was wrong.

Know this, I have never publicly stated I was a feminist before because until a few years ago I never fully understood or accepted A: my own femininity or B: the history of violence, repression and degradation that Women have had to consistently live with for hundreds and hundreds of years.
But I didn’t want to identify as a victim, I didn’t want to put my own gender in to a box that identified their entirety as a victim.
In doing this though I missed a very important point, through out history we have been persecuted (believe me the irony of the etymology of that word “HIStory” being used in this context is not lost on me), and for me to spend a good portion of my life not recognizing that personal and collective trauma and instead choosing to sweep it under the rug has had dire consequences to me.

For example: I am only now coming to terms that I personally have had inflicted upon me both sexual and physical abuse – some of it was buried by my own PTSD, and the rest I justified with excuses that characterized the occurrences as “my fault” – because if it’s “my fault” then i have control of it. If it’s “my fault” I don’t have to be the damsel tied to the train tracks, the waif crying helpless on the side of the road – thats not me; so why would I need feminism?

Why? Because like it or not I feel that grief, and that anger – not AT men but at circumstance – and at the culture that allows me to spend my every day in fear of being hurt, manipulated, raped or killed. Every fucking day, it’s become autopilot to so many of us that we don’t even notice it anymore.

A not so brief example: I never listen to my Ipod with both earbuds in, I never walk close to a shrubbery, never enter a parking lot, playground, or walk too close to a parked car or back ally at night. Why? Because if you do, there is a chance you’ll be robbed, assaulted, raped and maybe killed if you struggle. It’s embedded in us so deeply that we don’t even shudder at these thoughts, that is the norm.
If we did venture to these places then it would be “our fault”.
This is what the culture has us believe, this is what we convince ourselves – to feign the illusion that we are in control. This is what we’re told by Women within their own denial when they hear we have been hurt and it presents them with an uncomfortable mirror.

Behind the tattered veil of so called civilization there is a War on the Feminine in our world, and many of those against us are in fact Women. Woman who are tired of being weak, battered and small choose instead to take the side that has convinced them that’s what they are.
Not men, but abusers. Whom as we all know come in all shapes, genders and forms, and many don’t even know what they are inflicting, and upon whom.

The ancestral anger is exceedingly palpable, but more so I feel what lays beyond it once properly expressed and acknowledged. Anger and grief are healthy emotions, but when they are not felt and dealt with skillfully they mutate into wrath. Wrath is chaotic, it is what the radical pro rape mens groups are drenched with, which is also what the angry violent “feminists” are soaked with. It’s the same destructive hatred, directed towards anything and everything that it perceived to have hurt them or may hurt them.
There is anger and pain in our history and being told to “get over it” is what’s causing it to fester in to wrath.
No one, -man or woman- will win that war.

“Male and female represent the two sides of the great radical dualism. But in fact they are perpetually passing into one another. Fluid hardens to solid, solid rushes to fluid. There is no wholly masculine man, no purely feminine woman.”
— Margaret Fuller

I didn’t want to identify as a feminist because most of my life I spent being close friends with men.
I saw them bullied, beaten and sexually abused and having no one to talk to about it. I watched them be told to suck it up, or that all men want sex regardless of the context, or plain and simple be told they were liars because they should be strong enough to fend off any abuser.
If the culprit was male, then the victim was scared to come across as a “pussy” or a “fag” that couldn’t defend himself. If the culprit had been female then the victim was bullied by his peers because “getting laid is getting laid” and berated because he couldn’t fight off a girl. Further perpetuating that Females are the weaker sex.

I love men, so much – I have such a grand appreciation for divine masculinity that I once almost completely relinquished my own gender on account of the abuse I saw inflicted upon the silent and victimized masculine.
I see the pain of the masculine and it’s rooted in the same wounds of the feminine – the same history unacknowledged, the collective trauma that defines Women and Victims as second class citizens. We need Feminism to create a safe place for all Genders that have been hurt – we need to heal together or the segregation will continue to destroy us.

I am a Feminist and I love men, I want to live in a world where they can be soft hearted, kind, and even feminine without having to feel weaker for it. I want to live in a world where Men and Women alike can feel safe to express their fears, insecurities, and traumas. AND RIGHT NOW, a redemption of the Feminine is needed to make a safe place for the reclamation of what it means to be a Man in this new emerging paradigm.
True feminism is not the adversary to Men as a whole, it’s the catalyst to change that will allow us to heal together and move in to a new space where harmonious integration is actually a possibility.

Why do I need Feminism?

Because I need to trust Women again, because I see my Mother, and her Mother and her Mother’s mother and so on all suffering from the same wound that has landed in me. I see my whole life effected by trauma that hasn’t been spoken to from fear of being labeled a radical angry feminist.
I see being angry as a learned defence mechanism – because being angry is the only way we can feel sorrow whilst still feeling powerful. I see years of broken relationships with women, a lack of trust, a completely lack of sisterhood, a longing of which we no longer have a name for – so we become Catty, and say things like “I’m not like those other girls” – as if abandoning our gender so nonchalantly is something that would make us better people.
I need feminism because we need to trust ourselves as women and our sisters without tearing them down. AND that has nothing to do with men, nor does it hold any threat to any man of whom is confident in himself.

I need Feminism because I can’t say Feminism or speak about wounding that has occurred to Women without a Man (or Woman) speaking as by me confessing my wounds it is somehow a threat or discredits the wounds of another gender. I need to live in a world where I can say “I am hurting” without someone else taking offence to it as if I didn’t see their pain. There are not enough years in my life to speak to every individuals anguish, that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel, see and ache for each one of them.
I need to live in a world where it is okay to excavate the history of which may cause some to feel discomfort.

I need Feminism because I am only now in my late twenties coming to realize that which has been done to Females – having it barely touched upon in public schooling.
Only in this last year I learned that the classical period of witch hunts in Europe and Colonial North American ran from 1450 to 1750; resulting in an estimated 100,000 executions. Thats over 300 years, for some perspective in the realms of time – Canada it’s self isn’t even 150 years old yet.
I learned also that Woman who were in connection by blood or friendship to any accused witch were sought out, tortured, and in turn often also accused of sharing that same “sin”.
As such Woman stopped connecting to each other, they severed their friendships, their deep feminine bonds, for fear of their own lives.
This is something I know now is still very much a prominent wounding in our society. Women are just learning that it’s okay to not be small, and that it’s okay to try and reclaim the understanding of Sisterhood that we were robbed of so long ago.

And again, this has nothing to do with men, nor does it hold any threat. In-fact in a world where women were not trying to find their Mothers, Sisters, or Female connections through their spouses or brothers – Imagine the profound lightening of the burdensome load that shame, guilt and constant failure Men experience.

I cannot even fathom the worlds vast expression and beauty if the Feminine as a whole felt safe to be allowed in it. The Feminine laying in both Men and Woman alike – what could our world be if there wasn’t a constant war ground situated inside of our psyches and our collective consciousness.
Feminism is not Anti Masculine. It is the Feminine’s attempt to rebuild and meet the Masculine in their unified power. Beyond the individual crisis there is so much more of the story that needs to be adhered to.

I love Men very much, I am learning to Love Woman as I should have been taught by the Women that came before me – at no fault of their own, they too were withheld that same Human right. In learning to Love Woman, I will be a better Lover of Men. And vice versa.
Feminism is the recovery of what it could look like to live in a world that Loves without Fear.

One day, we may not need Feminism anymore. One day we may be able to see each others beauty as it is without the prewritten stories of gender or weakness. But that day is not today.
– AC

“There can be no Peace on Earth as long as there is War in Love.” – Dieter Duhm

Art Credit: http://fav.me/d9n93u1

Musings on the continued pilgrimage of Responsible Freedom in Love

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Through out my exploration through life I have personally been practicing various forums of ethical (ish) pre-scripted forms of non monogamy since 2008 – I have struggled with self doubt, self hatred, a lack of support, violent rebellion, self inflicted exile and deep grief in the loss of a sense of self that followed.
My attempts at being Polyamorous were founded on the same broken concept at my attempts at being Monogamous – ill-fitted scripted narratives and a lack of community.
So just as I was a failed monogamist, I became a failed polyamorist.

I had to loose everything and become what I felt was completely broken in 2011 to understand that I needed to restructure and rebuild something unparalleled and unprecedented – custom to my timeline, my desires and the community of which I so deeply felt called to nourish. I needed to be broken to see the reality of what endurance could lead to – a loyalty to love, a reestablished idea of devotion, and a strength in my story – and what would later become an intertwined shared story.

My deepest desire in the willingness to share my life and this so called “alternative” form of relation is to encourage the expression and excavation of personal and cultural truth. To lead by example not the front lines of Non-Monogamy – but a world postpoly/postmono where Humans are emboldened to practice Love in the model of which that is truest for them in their “now”.
I desire a time where whether we love or share a partnership with one, two, many or none that we’re encouraged to be in relationships that are in service to something outside of just the relationship it’s self – abolishing the deep underbelly of escapism via interpersonal connection.
I crave collective where your worth as an individual is not put in to question on account of being different – but in fact a culture where diversity fuels it’s flourishing advance.
I long for a world where sensual/creative/emotional/intellectual/passionate connection isn’t shamed or subject to a warped sense of guilt laden secrecy; where it’s encouraged to flow naturally as it unfolds, as opposed to attempting to shove it into a narrative that outdates it’s unique rise, expansion and evolution.

My Core partnership is not under any sort of strain or onslaught by these choices to live a life which asks our upmost allegiance to honesty. Neither him or I has a limited or finite source of adoration, so in all logic any perceived “threat” is only rooted in the echo of a time where a binary form of relation was the only one taught – an old story of love to which no longer fits the times we are in. This does not mean there is no jealousy or fall backs into the stories that we grew up in. Our relationship has not always been been an easy adventure, and it will not suddenly become as such – nor would I want it to.
Partnership, Love and Relationships take skillfulness, and skillfulness generally requires trial and error.
Regardless of and in correlation to that I have never lived a more fulfilling and awe inducing Partnership, our ability to challenge each other, encourage growth, and continue on in the form that best serves us and our community leaves me in a constant grateful state of deep love for all that is him and I.
Beyond “Good” and “Bad” – Every dark and light moment has been crucial to our process of becoming.

“I said to the sun, ‘Tell me about the big bang.’ The sun said, ‘it hurts to become.”

I want so vehemently to live a life of authentic love, fierce devotion and continued progression that dares others to live their truth, to fully examine their and their kin’s desires, boundaries and the full spectrum of their psyche – to demonstrate a courageous form of love and community that includes all walks of life: the unabashed and multifarious gamut of humanness.
Perhaps we are radical dreamers, but if I have learned anything thus far I have learned that we sure as hell are not alone on this untrodden journey into fearless brazen amorousness.

I dare you to be truthful, authentic and responsible in your Love – with each and every individual that you hold with sweet regard – I dare you to fully exist in service to the morphogenic field of adoration of which surrounds you.

I dare you to pontificate on what it would look like to have your life’s actions be collectively in service to love.

– AppleCat

three headed haiku

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what they say is true
that you can never go home
this urge to step back

a bizarre longing
to linger bound in embrace
naive and broken

awoken startled
still warm from the breath of sleep
unconstrained, I howl

Wounds of the Cheshire

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I have told my chronicle of secrets through fable and balladry.

-painted them to my skin
with watercolour defiance.

writers,
we often scrawl about our scars in riddles,
rationalizing scrutiny
through layers upon layers of thought

please
-care for them like flowers growing on the warlands of our hearts

Ponderings from the essential shadow

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I’ve been exploring through my thoughts on the experiences and pain that many of us share – yet seem to continue thinking are completely individual to each other.
I’ve been sifting through on my own ordeals of doing that exact same thing – my previous refusal to release the sovereignty of trauma. As if it was the only that actually made me special.
So if not the individual, where does it come from?

The disregard and nonchalance that our society bequeaths upon those openly experiencing loneliness, depression and acts of self-harm is abhorrent.
It’s so much more than a cry for help or attention – it’s a deep festering cultural wound that touches us all. Perhaps thats why we are so reluctant to talk about it without smothering it with medicinal bandaids and pillow talk of “Shhh it’ll all be okay”. It’s a shameful trigger that something has befallen upon us so vehemently that it has come to this level of extremity.

After copious years of it’s prominence this has become learned behaviour. Passed down through generations. It’s very much developed in to genetic and environmental trauma.
This is far too big to be swept under the rug of demanded and addictive positive thought.
It’s not a coincidence that in a world devoid of elders, initiation and community guidance 1 in 12 of youth teeter towards suicidal thoughts and acts of self harm…. of which generally starts around puberty.

Myself included. For over 10+ years, starting at age 12 – and still only the brave and some (not me) would call crass ask me where all my scars came from. And thats just the ones on the outside.
Yet when the people who suffer speak up they are instantly met with dehumanization, condescending coddling and made to feel like an infectious pariah. The majority at large do not want to be reminded of their shadow, their perceived failures and even more so want nothing to do with that which reminds them of their mortality; especially death.
I made it out of the deepest depths, mostly. Many others did not and will not. Something has to change – like now. You know it, I know it – and it’s doable; but not in conjunction with the continuous ignorant acts of peremptory blind-sightedness.

We are all here together floating in space, hurting, loving, feeling, longing and creating – If we want to heal ourselves individually it’s time we start to comprehend what it means to truly heal as a collective first. To support each other, regardless of the fearfulness that surrounds us, regardless of the mirrors that it provides. We need to heal this together.

(and as a life long advocate of extreme independence that’s a damn hard thing for me to say – IE “I was wrong, this can not be done alone”)

Ponderings from the essential shadows of Humanity

To be continued….