“I am a storm with skin” She says –
I am so grateful to those people in my life that have learned to understand the slow matter of a approach it takes to be close to me. To those resolute souls that have at first perceived to be within the full depths of my connection only to be met around the corner with an even deeper decent.
I am so grateful for those of you that understand my tendency to turn inward at seemingly sporadic occasions and be completely joyfully outward in others. It may seem random to you, but to me it is anything but. Human’s are very much multifaceted creatures, I just tend to wear that on my sleeve.
I know my friendship isn’t a simple one, I hope you understand through that by manning the ship through those treacherous waters my loyalty is something that very rarely wavers. I value you so much.
I don’t require consistent timely validation of our friendship, if I don’t see you for a week, a month, a year even – yet you have made the effort to know and understand what I know is not easy – I will likely love you until my heart stops beating. Even if I never tell you that I do.
If I come off as aloof or cold – understand that I am connected by a main artery to this world and I am likely intensely in empathic thought – If I am cold I implore you to be my warmth, if even from afar. It’s those breadcrumbs that serve as reminders to bring me home to humanity.
I am aware of my intimidation factor, I admire those who push forward regardless of it. It isn’t intentional, it is just who I am verses who you see.
If hurt I retract, much more than I react. If pushed too hard I pull away – much more than I state boundaries. If I feel a dissonance I often will blame myself first – instead of finding the root of the problem within the relationship. These are not character traits, they are blips in the spectrum of my persona to which I am working on repairing. Said construction isn’t a quick job, and requires me to work from the foundation up: your patience is so appreciated here.
I will likely always be flippantly ambiverted – there will likely always be times when you don’t see or hear from me for weeks on end; I will always -on some level- be a performer and it will likely always drain me to the point to needing to recharge within my aloneness.
Alone time is not just wanted by me, it’s needed. I appreciate the space given, and also on occasion I also appreciate those that know when I need to be removed from said isolation by insisted force. The world of my imagination is an unfathomably cyclopean place. The magic and wonder of my inner thoughts and discoveries; -those that afford the occasion to recharge, re-energize and refresh- sometimes I get lost and need you to put on your captains hat and start another journey to retrieve me – likely right where you originally found me.
Believe me, it’s not painless for me to say that I need you; in-fact it goes against every damned act of cantankerous sovereignty I have expressed over the past ten years – but it’s true, I need community, I need my chosen family, and I need the love I have been blessed with. So I thank you for wedging that gift between the rusted cogs of my stubborn mindset.
I am not an easy person, although nothing in my experience worth much at all has been an easy endeavour.
My rooted connections require the kindred and alined heart of an adventurer and if I haven’t said it enough I will say it again once more; I am unabashedly thankful for you for your bountiful affinity.